Quick Hate Mail to the 80s

Dear 1980s,

Shut up.

The only people that actually heart you were born in the 90s.

Dirty Dancing was not a good movie. You just remember it differently. Go back and watch it again.

And The Breakfast Club only serves as proof that teenage angst exists in every decade. It wasn't good either. It's just cool to like that movie.

Arm warmers are not cute, and leg warmers make people look chunky. If I see any more neon leopard print or side ponytails, I will chase their wearers through the streets screaming the lyrics to “Safety Dance”. Oh, you have a mohawk? How edgy you must be. Google 80s prom dresses and try not to throw up. Seriously. Oh, and gold lame has only been done right once. And flat tops? Ew. Just ew.

Maybe instead of idolizing the 80s, we should remember that, thanks to that...gross decade, we now wash our hair, use makeup that doesn't make us look like David Bowie, and wear clothes that actually fit us. Mostly because we realized that we all looked like total tard muffins. Oh, and keyboards do not have to be used in every. Single. Song.

                              Love,

                                     Lola

P.S. Unfortunately, I do realize that in a few years I will be writing another entry berating our obsession with mesh fabric and wearing way too much plaid.

I Vote Steal

Photo courtesy of bagborroworsteal.com

There is an azure t-shirt by Freda that costs $220. A Diane Von Furstenberg scarf will set you back at least $150. A sweater from Rag & Bone will suck almost $300 right out of your wallet. I love Diane Von Furstenberg, but give me a break. These are basic pieces with a ritzy price tag that you will probably get tired of in three months. That, or you will have a mental breakdown when you accidentally get ketchup on your $300 sweater. And who wants to be that girl?

Let's face it-- most of us can't just shrug off a ruined $200 t-shirt and go buy another one. Not gonna happen. However, every woman deserves to have that one special piece that makes her feel like royalty.

Enter the private sale at Bag Borrow or Steal, where you can buy couture bags, shoes, and accessories for a fraction of the cost. Now here comes your reality injection for the day: discount couture is still expensive. That's not the point. I'm not asking you to line your closet with Fendi purses or take out a second mortgage on your house so you can have Jimmy Choo pumps in every color. I'm talking about one piece of elegance that you will have for the next twenty years, can pass on to your daughter, or just make her buy her own damn Chanel.

That being said, you should probably bypass the shoes and go straight for the jewelry or purses. I don't know about you, but my shoes take a beating. I generally refuse to pay more than $30 for everyday shoes-- when I know I'll wear through the soles in a year.

I recommend a classic Chanel purse. I mean, look at it. Clean lines, elegant, chic, and goes with everything. You will have it for the rest of your life. Don't believe me? Rent it, and see what all the fuss is about. At the very least, you will become addicted to browsing for discount Prada and Alexander McQueen. Just don't blow your money on something trendy just because a designer slapped his logo on the front.

Lola's Tip of the Day: Get an extra 20% off now through July 23!

Mommy Dearest

Photo Courtesy of eqlifestyles.com

Mothers of America, I am not of your kind, but I come in peace. Now, put down the sweatpants and come with me. I get it. When I was in college I was taking 18 credit hours of literature courses each semester and working 40 hours a week. I read 15 books a semester, pulled at least one all-nighter a week, wrote paper after paper, and drank my weight in coffee on a daily basis. On top of it all, I had to handle my customers with a smile and a perky attitude. I have an idea of what you're going through. You've reached a level of tired you never knew existed. You scoff at any suggestion of making time for yourself. Who do they think you are? Houdini? There aren't enough hours in the day! And what's all this nonsense about looking good? What for? You just want to be comfortable. I hear you, ladies. I will also say that I managed to make it through my hellish college experience without once wearing pajama pants.

OK, but fashion is just silly, right? It's for small women who have nothing else going for them, right? You're a mother now, and dealing with far more important things than clothing. Sure. Dame Helen Mirren-- gorgeous pile of amazingness that she is-- once said, “Fashion and the way we look are part of our human condition. It's tribal and social and personal. I don't think it's superficial; it's quite profound.” (InStyle 2011) The clothing we choose to wear every day says something about our mood, attitude, and who we are as a person. Close friends in a group often dress alike, we wear our favorite colors, and if we're in a bad mood we wear something different. Your uniform of sweatpants, messy hair, and ill-fitting tops says you're tired and you don't care.

And that's OK.

But not forever.

So let's talk about comfort for a second. It's not just about that, now is it? An outfit must be comfortable, quick, and not require any brain cells to put together. Let's face it, every square inch of your brain is ocupado. Luckily, you don't have to do anything fancy, just drop the kids off and head to Target for their huge supply of $30 dresses. How about a bright sundress? Don't have the extra five minutes to shave your legs? Throw on a maxi dress and wham bam you're done. Comfy, cute, and you don't have to think about it.

Not into dresses? That's fine, but you might spend more time trying to find great-fitting pants. No, you can't just spend your money on something that only kind of fits. What's the point of that?

Lola's Rules for Dressing on the Fly:

1. No time for makeup? No problem! All you need is something to even out your skin tone like Clinique's Even Better Skin Tone Correcting Lotion with SPF 20 (a little pricey but a good investment if you're usually in a hurry), a tiny bit of concealer under the eyes, clear mascara, and a little lip gloss.
2. Once you find a basic that fits you properly, buy a variety of colors so that you have options. Stores like Target, New York & Company, etc. usually have a 2 for $20 deal or buy one get one 50% off. I recommend tunic tops to avoid flashing the gap between your top and pants when you're chasing the kiddos.
3. Maxi dresses are not only trendy and summer-friendly, they're about as easy to find as a Starbucks in Seattle. And quick? Throw one on and you're done!
4. Heels are not always practical, but flip-flops can be worse. You can't run in them, and they're easy to trip over. Opt for an easy sandal or ballet flat that will go with anything, but still keeps your foot contained.
5. No time to shower? Dry shampoo is God's gift to busy women. TRESemmé's new Fresh Start line works incredibly well, and costs about $4. Just spray your roots, leave in for one minute, rub in, then brush and go.

Lola's Tip of the Day: Don't feel guilty about taking time for yourself. You'll come back energized, happy, and ready to go back to being super mommy.

Girls' Night Outfit for $100

As every woman knows, meeting a new group of people requires a new outfit. Men, don't ask why. It's expensive, time-consuming, and impractical, but whatever. It makes us feel good. When we look good, we feel good, and that confidence makes all the difference when meeting new people. That being said, I was going to try to conserve a little cash and only buy a pair of shoes...until I found these black and gold glitter G by GUESS Neola pumps So sexy! So comfortable! These were special, and I put back every pair I had in my hands so that I could buy them. But what to wear with them? Ah, the eternal question. Even fashion-conscious Neanderthal women of old have pondered this one. Cheetah or leopard? Cheetah? Leopard? The question in this case was one of dress vs. pants. A dress was clearly the better option-- what better way to show off amazing shoes than with miles of leg?-- but it also might come off as too stuffy for a meeting with a bunch of new people. I wanted to appear confident, comfortable, and effortlessly sexy. For me, that left pants-- super skinny jeans to be exact, in as dark a wash as possible. Oh, and a breezy tank top.

This proved to be a problem. After five stores, including American Eagle, I still could not find a good tank top. I mean, come on. This is Texas, not the Arctic Circle. It's hot. Like murder the nearest person for an ice cube hot. I'm surprised the entire population doesn't spend eight months of year in the nude it's so hot. Actually, that's what we should do. We should submit a letter to Congress stating that we will all (including our lovely Walmart brethren) run around in the buff until we are supplied with affordable and attractive summer clothing. My point is, you would think a tank top would be a staple in every store. However, American Eagle seems to specialize in clingy tops that anyone in Texas would sweat through in five minutes. In the end, I bought a $44 pair of dark wash skinny jeans from American Eagle, knowing that those at least would be perfect. In the never ending struggle to find durable jeans that fit my big booty, smaller waist, and short stature, American Eagle has been my go-to for the past four years.

On my way out, I noticed Cotton On, the Australia-based company known for its great basics and even better prices. After looking around, I realized the place really lived up to the hype. Basic tees for less than $10? Why go anywhere else? After all, I wanted to buy a tank top, not put a down payment on a used car. Be warned, Cotton On is dangerous. You eventually just have to stop browsing because you will want to blow your entire budget on everything you try on. I came in for one breezy tank top, and left with three plus a fashion dare: a tie-dye silk kimono. Grand total for the day: $130 (I had a coupon for DSW). The grand total for the outfit itself was about $100 (one tank top, jeans, pumps with $10 off coupon). Time to go home. I think I'll wear the emerald green tank top with the pumps and the skinny jeans. Or maybe the black tank top... Green or black? Oy...

Lola's Tip of the Day: Glitter accessories are totally trendy, but are you leaving a trail of the stuff everywhere you go? Mist your sparkly accessory with hairspray to keep from becoming Tinker Bell every time you leave the house.